Tuesday Teaser

My computer is being stupid. So I must post my Tuesday tease here. Enjoy!




"I'm just so tired. Tired of all of the hate and ugliness. Tired of trying to be something I am not. I can't do it anymore. If I could just walk away, leave it all behind, I would do it in a heartbeat. It seems to me I could just fade away and no one would even notice. Yet the indelible need to be loved leaves such a dull ache in my heart. So I persevere. Every single day I just persist. But nothing ever changes.

Nothing in my life is fulfilling. People tell me to let go, to stop caring, but I cannot. The only time I feel whole is when I am helping others, making them smile. At the end of the day, though, I know that very few would do the same for me. That is what breaks my heart the most. Somewhere along the way, people just decided that my job was to build them up. Yet at the same time, they are happy to just stand there and watch me fall. I can't fathom that. Just letting someone be overtaken by a crippling illness or situation and not at least trying to help. Maybe that is why I have always been different. I can't stand idly by as someone crumbles and not at least offer them a hand to hold onto. A hand that quite possibly could keep them whole."

 I glance down at my hand and it feels so empty. It is, of course, devoid of anything in it, but I mean in a metaphorical sense. It feels as it has never known the touch of another.  I flip it over, inspecting the IV's that are penetrating my skin and grimace. It scent of the hospital disinfectant and the sterile white environment assaulting my senses. I cant help but think that this is how Chance lives his every day. Knowing that he will never walk out of that place, and fighting daily for just one more day on the planet. Yet, here I sit, after trying to end my life, while he fights for his. I am so selfish.
My mothers cold gaze falls on me once more. I cant believe they called her. The last person I want to see right now is sitting like a statue glaring at me in a way that tells me everything I have ever known about her. I have been nothing but a burden to her since the day I was born. I just poured my heart out to her, and all she can do is glare. I look away from her, unable to absorb the disgust in her expression.
"Please just leave." I whisper, my eyes prone to my lap. I can't bare to have her here, silently judging me.  Without a word she stands to leave, but as she reaches the door to my room she pauses and glances over her shoulder.
"You play the victim so well, dear. You should have gone into acting instead of singing. " I suck in a sharp breath as I hear her heels click on her way out. The tears come before I can stop them.


 

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