Reflections of a broken soul

Recently a friend of mine got a tattoo that was one word. 

 Enough.

She told me it was to remind her that she was good enough. She didn't need to change herself to be enough for anyone else. This gesture stuck with me. 

 Today I was told in two very different ways that I needed to stop. Stop self hating, start accepting the blessings I am handed, stop apologizing for EVERYTHING.

You have no idea how much I wish I could. 

 I see it friends. I know. 

 I have a hard time accepting compliments because I have taken too may unkind words to heart. I fear receiving gifts because I think people see me as a charity case, and I know I cannot return the sentiment. I say I am sorry for everything because I have been led to believe that everything I do or say is wrong. I am afraid to hurt people with my words because I know how much I have been hurt by words in the past. 

 People love me because they know I am the type that hurts when they hurt, cries when they cry, worries when they worry. I am the type of friend that would throw myself between you and danger to spare you. I would do anything to build you up, even if it was at my own expense. I value those I love above all, yet I hold no value in myself. 

 There are a million reasons I can give you why this is. Not one of them are worth mentioning. I am painfully aware that this fact about me has chased away many friends. I wish them well. It takes a strong person to hold up a structure that refuses to be supported. Sometimes, you just have to let go and let the pieces fall where they may. 

 My soul is screaming inside of me. I feel empty, and I know the only thing that will fill me is love. But how can anyone love me when I can't love myself. Though everyone tries to fill me with the love they have, I bat it away like a power hitter. I don't feel worthy, I don't feel like I am enough.

So if you are reading this. Please understand. It is going to take me a long time to learn how to love myself again. If I am too much to deal with, I give you permission to set me strait. Tough love is something I can deal with.  However, I cant deal with being alone. 

 Please stay.


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