TURKEY DAY THROW OUT



Hola

Happy thanksgiving. 

If you are reading this right now, I am thankful for you. I know not everyone visits my throw outs, but those faithful few who do are what keeps me going on this crazy journey. 

I am having a strange day. I won’t get into details, but it has been a day of trying emotions for me. I am doing my best to keep a brave face and just get through it. I can say one thing. It is sometimes shocking to find out who has your back when you think everything has turned against you. 

This piece I bring you tonight was written riding the train of emotions that has taunted me today. I always find writing therapeutic. Sometimes it is just better to tear open and artery and bleed on paper than it is to do it in real life. Welcome to my soul or as I like to call it, my alternate reality. If only the things I put on paper were real….if only.

The Rock Star Diaries

Why.

Why did I open myself up for this again? Maybe I am better off just closing down. My mother has been happily single my whole life. 

Well, most of it. 

I just can’t understand why I caved, why I thought for a second that I would be worth loving, why anyone would bother with me. 

I thought that I had finally found someone who wanted me for me. I guess Able didn’t see what I saw. His cold stare chills me to the bone. Yesterday he was all smiles when he saw me, today, not so much. Why the change? What happened? 

Able escorts me out of the building. Not even a glance in my direction. What did I do? Who knows, do men really need a reason? Once we cross the threshold of the posh hotel’s lobby, Able stops and assumes his military stance. He doesn’t speak or meet my eyes as I turn to him to bid him farewell.  I open my mouth to speak, but falter. Is it really worth it? No, I decide, it’s not. Just leave it alone.  

I turn and head toward my flat without a second glance in his direction.  It was starting to get dark out, and the streetlights were starting to come to life. I plod along, only the sound of my feet hitting pavement to distract me from my own thoughts. I briefly consider hailing a cab, but chase the thought. I think the crisp fall air will do me good. 

I drift into my head, letting the thoughts I have been holding at bay flood into my head. Here I am, ghost writing for a rock god. I was just asked to accompany him on tour. I should be excited, right? I am finally going to see the four corners of Europe, and I can’t even bring myself to be thrilled. Why is that? Gah, I need to suck it up, stop being such a girl. 

Last night was like a dream. The way he held my hand, so warm and strong, the way he looked into my eyes. I thought he was going to kiss me, but he held back, restraining himself, like a gentleman.  My heart feels heavy, weighted by the way his entire persona changed in a matter of hours. Well, at least it stopped before anything could really begin. 

I thought about how lonely I have been. I never admitted it to myself until now. I spent so much time convincing my heart that being a successful writer was all I needed. It never occurred to me that being married to my job wasn’t as fulfilling as I thought it was. Then there is the whole Jessa and James situation. As cringe worthy as it is, I have no right to be upset. A decade has passed since that relationship was ended, and even though he was my first love, Jessa had no knowledge of any of that prior to that morning in the kitchen. 

I look up just as I pass the coffee shop that Able and I had been to together once. I didn’t realize I had covered so much ground until that point. The scent of chai filters out into the dank night air and I sigh.  Something tells me the sweet spicy flavor of my favorite drink will now be laden with bitterness. Crossing the last intersection, I enter my building and head to the loft floor. 

Maybe someday I will feel worthy again, able to let myself be loved. Or, maybe not. After all, if I am not good enough now, will I ever be?

 *******
 Happy Thanks giving my hearts. Thank you for taking your time to read tonight. 

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