The DUFF throw out.

I probably shouldn't post this. I probably should just suck it up and push this shit down like I always do. However I am not going to. I am going to bleed all over this blog post like I opened an artery. I am going to document my every unfiltered thought on the internet for all to see.

Why?

Well, why not?

Here I sit, finally realizing I am the DUFF.

Yep, I am the designated ugly fat friend.

Maybe I feel this way because I am depressed. Maybe I just need a drink. Who knows. I do know it took me over thirty years to figure it out. I know there will be people who argue. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you argue that I am a beautiful soul with a good heart, it still doesn't change the fact that the outside doesn't match the in.

My friends are beautiful. Every. Single. One. And, by the grace of god, they all love me as fiercely as I love them. They tell me I am beautiful. Unfortunately, it is hard to swallow for me. I am always the fifth wheel. I watch as the suitors follow them and flirt. All the while I just sit. It is not that I am unfriendly. I just know that when I get nervous I say stupid shit. Rather than embarrass myself, and my friends, I stay quiet unless I am spoken too.

At this point in my life I am carrying over 60 extra pounds. My teeth are jacked, and we wont even discuss my hair. A result of stress, and the fact that my life consists of nothing but work and sleep and cleaning my life away.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, they say.


THINK OF YOU FOR ONCE, they say.


Really?


If you only knew how selfish I feel even buying a box of hair dye, or spending an hour at the gym feels, you would know why I don't. I KILL MYSELF to keep a roof over my head. I realize that I probably live outside my means. However if a home, car, and food on the table is frivolous, then no one told me that.


I guess I am just frustrated.


Frustrated over the fact that I will likely never see an ocean. Upset because I never get to see my friends. Pissed off because I get jealous when they get to do all the fun stuff I never do because I don't have the money.


I think what it boils down to is I will likely never feel good enough. I will likely never be able to justify going on trips, and spending money on myself.


Why?


Well, I guess someone has to be the DUFF, may as well be me.




**end rant**

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