THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM ( a special weekly throw out)

Confessional

I am sitting here in front of this vessel that is Microsoft Word nursing a heavy heart.

Why? You might ask.

Truthfully, I don’t know. I rarely know. However, I spend most of my days in this state. I have constant questions running through my brain. Does this matter? Does anyone even care? Is my life meaningful at all? Am I good enough?

I have even gone as far as to delude myself into thinking the ramblings of a dyslexic Pharmacy Technician from Minnesota matter to people. I believe there are folks who WANT to read what I put on paper. Yes, in the same thought process, I also tell myself I should just give up.

This forces me to deal with my real issues.

I am clinically depressed.

I know what you are thinking. “Aren’t we all?”

The answer is yes, to some extent. However, I do not think you understand the severity of depression for some of us. There are people who have to talk themselves into getting out of bed daily. The people who sit in a room full of people and still feel utterly alone. We have all been there, but this is a daily occurrence for me. I can honestly say most days I feel if I fell off the face of the planet, no one would even notice. I know that this is not true, but it does not stop me from feeling this way.

Before you start freaking out, I am far too stubborn to try anything stupid, or to hurt myself in any way. This is not a cry for help, or a bid for attention. In fact, it is just the opposite. This is a call to arms (and yes, I probably will be quoting Thirty Seconds to Mars continually so PLEASE, BARE WITH ME). This is an attempt to bury a stigma, and keep it six feet under. This is a battle song for all of those who fight these same issues. Time to go to war against depression. (“Vox Populi”-Thirty Seconds To Mars)

I have spent several years hiding behind a rock hard wall of strength. I always put on a brave face, throw myself in front of the bus, so to speak, for those I care about most. I will brush off my own pain so I do not look weak in front of others. All the while, I cry behind closed doors, in my car, in the shower. My biggest fear is someone will see my emotional bouts as weakness. When the fact of the matter is, they just don’t understand, and how could they, when I don’t understand myself.

I overheard someone once say I was just attention-seeking. In that same conversation, the phrase “need for validation” was thrown around. I don’t know if that is true. I do know I have a hard time keeping my mouth in check when my emotions are ready with the pen. I do know I am very impulsive. I do know the same things people love and hate about me are the things I have the least control over. I know I am broken.

The problem is, not everyone else is aware.

People think I am quirky, and strong. People think I take no shit. People think it’s just me. Well, it is not. My apparent erratic behavior is the byproduct of a chemical imbalance in my brain. Major depressive disorder is the diagnosis I was handed. In fact, if I would have scored a measly three more points on their little scale, I would have been labeled Bipolar.

I was given the option of being medicated and handed a stack of pamphlets on how to handle stress, and triggers. The thing is, I tried the medications. I followed the pamphlets. None of it seemed to work.

Nothing, that is, until social media entered my life.

So, now that I sound like a weirdo who lives in their parents’ basement, eating Cheetoes and playing on-line games, let me explain what actually happened. I discovered my main trigger is, I am lonely. I moved away from family and friends. They say you don’t know what you got, ‘til it’s gone. Well, this reality almost forced me to commit myself several times. The social sites gave me a link to the people I loved, as well as a way to make new friends.

There are a select few people in my life I am positive would open their homes to me if I showed up on their doorstep with a suitcase. These people have been part of my family for over twenty years. I don’t doubt their love for me, because I can feel it every time I am around them. These friends are my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my “I will be right there with a shovel and bottle of Jack” best friends.

There but by the grace of god, as well as a little help from some astronauts, I have found new friends and soul sisters scattered over the nation. People who understand me, my passion for writing, my love of MARS, have become part of my family now. Because I have these new wonderfully supportive, crazy beautiful, women in my life, bugging me daily, picking me up when I fall, and giving me the healthy dose of reality I need, I finally feel like I am getting better.

So, even though I still have plenty of bad days, I am finding they are coming less and less. Thankfully, all of the aforementioned friends patiently put up with my slices of crazy and have yet to run screaming from the building.

With this positive turn in my life, I have found healthier ways to focus my negative energy. I have renewed ambition to make the positive changes I desperately need to get me back to the happy, fun-loving woman I once was.

Of course, this is just my story. Long winded as it was.

In 2013 someone in the USA took their own life every 12.8 seconds. Over forty-one thousand people resolved themselves to believing they could not live through one more day. Worldwide, this number rises to a staggering one-million people annually. Yet, for some reason, depression is still a stigmatized condition.

Recently, Jared Padalecki, star of television’s Supernatural, took to social media asking for support. He begged for all of his fans to help lift his spirits and help him out of the depressed state he was in. Fans in droves flocked to help him using the hash tag #AlwaysKeepFighting. Beautiful as it is so many supported him in his time of need. I need to ask you this. What about those who don’t have droves of adoring fans to lift them up? What about those who don’t have a small group of friends, like me, to help them through? How do we help the lost souls?

There is no easy answer to this question. The simple fact is, most people have no clue anyone they know is suffering until it is too late. Unfortunately, not everyone suffering is strong enough to recognize their triggers, or to ask for help. This is why I suggest a show of unity.

The hash tag #AlwaysKeepFighting is a show of support for a nonprofit organization known as To Write Love on Her Arms. Their mission is as follows:

“To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.”—link below

I encourage all of you, in the weeks to come, to show your support for those of us who suffer from depression. If you see someone who seems to need a friend, talk to them. If someone needs a hug, give them one. Whether it be a shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear, every little bit counts. We should all learn to love one another, give each other faith, because sometimes faith is all we need. (“End Of All Days”—Thirty Seconds To Mars)

If you want to learn more about TWLOHA, or donate, please visit the website listed below. I have also included a couple other reference sites. Even if all you can do is share this article with the hash tag #AlwaysKeepFighting, you are still helping spread the word.

I fell apart, but got back up again.

(“Alibi”-Thirty Seconds To Mars)

Let’s help others do the same.

I am leaving you with my current fight song. If you need inspiration, or motivation, THIS SONG should be your spirit animal. I know it is mine right now. (This is also the song I tweeted to @JarPad when his cry for help went out)

I won't suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, or give up what I
Started and stopped it, from end to beginning
A new day is coming, and I am finally free

“Attack”—Thirty Seconds To Mars

Enjoy!